By this afternoon the doc agreed to increase the dose. I recommended we make a 2mg per kilo booster that he takes after the liquid mixture (6mg). We made the pill and got ready to go. By the time we were on our way out his aunt got home. She couldn’t understand why he needed to do a second dose, begged us not to go and cursed him for plaguing her with worries. Later we were laughing that if she couldn’t find someone to plague her with worry she would find it in Lady or the Michi the cat, which she does. I tried my best to make sense of it to her but there was no getting through. Finally I just promised to take care of him.
So today we’re playing pioneers trying this liquid mixture of Ibo and mineral free water, at least were the first to try it that we know of. He’s hypothesizing that the ibo will be absorbed quicker so that he wont have to wait the first hour or two before he begins to feel the effects. I’m not so sure it will be any different, but I’m excited to experiment.
We decided to start this one a bit later in hopes that the noise from outside will have calmed. We turned off the fish tank filter and doc talks to Jessie about being more sensitive to the noise. This time she’s sans the baby, but brought her 11year old son Francisco. He’s painfully shy and probably the most quiet out of us all. I can’t imagine how bored he must be, so I gave him my laptop and showed him windows paint, it’s not the Internet but it’s something.
Jessie takes his vital signs again and we begin around 7pm. We being recording the process on the camera as he snakes a small tube down his throat so he doesn’t have to taste the bitterness of the ibo. I inject the 20ml of liquid into the tube which contains 6mgs per kilo. A half hour later he takes the booster. Jessie and I start a movie on mute for Francisco.
We check on him an hour later, an hour and a half since we started. Still no reaction besides seeing trails. He says he’s afraid the liquid didn’t work, that it compromised the ibo somehow and is upset that he’s wasted it. I tell him to relax and see what happens, it hasn’t even been two hours.
Hour 3 Jessie and I watch him from the cameras. He’s perfectly still so I assume he’s finally slipped into it. A half hour later we hear a movement in the room and get up to check. He’s gone into the bathroom on his own. My first reaction is slight panic but once he hears us he calls out “Esta bien” Everything’s fine. He has no reaction to it whatsoever besides a slight wobbly feeling and some trails. He doesn’t remember having any visions. I can tell he’s disappointed. We sit for a long time and try to figure out if it had been altered by the water and why that would affect it. He’s frustrated. “I should just used it like de Bwiti have been for thousands of years, why did I question it?” I somewhat agree but say “This is just an experiment, remember that Thomas Edison quote you told me a while ago 'I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.' At least we learned something, now we know the answer to this, even if it isn’t the one you wanted.” He nods “We must try again tomorrow with the pills. Ok Dr. Fitzsimmons, lets go home”. I don’t care how good he feels the thought of operating a car with Ibo in your system scares the hell out of me so I convince him to wait until he feels more stable, at least another hour or two. By that time he’s fallen asleep. Tomorrow it is.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
At Least for Today
Well well well, I've fallen far behind in my writing after I left for my trip but it's a good indication of how busy I've been with the many small miracles that have recently occurred.
Although I have much to say about my trip around this beautiful country it will have to wait for a later post because I must write about last night while it is still fresh. Yesterday I finally administered the doctor's Ibogaine treatment and wrote the following throughout the night:
So here I am on hour 2.5 of the session, the doc is stable and hopefully approaching the visionary stage.
The day went pretty much how I expected, things popped up and delayed us 3 hours but I’m just so happy to be at this point, I was starting to believe the session would never happen. We put the medicine into capsules this morning and used the scale for the first time. It was a pretty hilarious trial by error session as we clumsily tried to get the powder into the tiny capsules without spilling any using these fancy little steel and crystal instruments. We tried about 10 different methods and tools until we found one that wasted the least ibo. The pills we bought are too small and wouldn't fit any more than 0.110 milligrams-we needed 436 milligrams for his 1st session which equals about 6mgs per kilo. So we first made a 100 mg allergy testing pill, and 4 other pills for the rest of the dose. He is doing 12mgrams per kilo in total split between tonight and Friday night. 6mgrams is pretty low for someone of his weight and experience with substance abuse. I did 6.5 my first session and had my head blown off so it's always relative.
Next we made the mixture for Fridays session. The doc had an idea a few weeks back to administer ibo in a liquid form. I’m not exactly sure what the benefits are but he thinks it might get into the blood stream faster which will speed up the process, or if someone has a problem swallowing pills, like a few of his patients do, this could be an alternative. Time will tell what the differences are. We got mineral free water from the lab and put 436mg into 20ml of the water, mixed and put into a dropper for Fridays session.
We’re aiming for a 4pm start so he begins fasting at 10am and I advise him to stop drinking liquids at 12pm. I catch him sneak a can of tomato juice around 3pm, we’ll see which end it comes out later.
During our process a young woman came to the house with a new born baby. I figured she was a friend here to show off her 20 day old baby girl. We kept working and about an hour later the doc mentioned that Jessie is a nurse and will be helping us with the treatment. OK, so I won’t be alone like I thought, which isn’t a bad thing but I'd liked to have known this. The baby is adorable and has yet to be named, she still cant decide on one that everyone in the family agrees with. Jessie is very sweet, 31 but doesn’t look a day over 25 and speaks no English whatsoever (which is good, I need the push). I guess he figured I wasn’t ready to be prodding him with IV catheters or in the chance of an emergency resuscitate him, which I’m ok with, I wasn’t completely either.
I then realize that the baby is coming with us and will be here the entire time. Ok, not such a good idea. If there were a top ten list of worst things to be present at an ibogaine session I would put a new born baby at number 4 behind a monster truck race, an air show and a group of howler monkeys. Eh, whatever I guess we’ll make it work (that’s been my motto for the last 2 months). I’m just slightly annoyed that he never mentioned it to me.
An hour after we were supposed to have started treatment we are still at home. Another surprise visit from Mynor for….I’m not sure what, packing food, clothes and necessities and finally we’re ready. We get to the treatment house at 5pm and are met by Sergio and his wife. They are here to interview us before the session at the doctor’s request. Ok, another thing which is sprung upon last minute. They interview us for an hour meanwhile 2 of the doctors that are waiting by the phone to assist me call to check on us. I inform them that as expected we are behind schedule and promise to update them when we start.
Sergio and his wife leave as we begin. The dr. wants to record his session so he sets up the tripod in the room. He keeps a notebook on the bed for writing and a voice recorder. I tried to explain that I think it should be more of an internal process but he insisted that he wanted as much information recorded as possible. As expected none of these things were utilized, except a few messages into the voice recorder that were pretty much garbled nonsense within hour 2.
He took the allergy test pill at 5:55pm. Jessie took a quick physical checkup and inserted the needle for the I.V. catheter port in his wrist. I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable to have on during an Ibo session but he insisted that he wanted it in the case of an emergency. I think the difference between our point of view is that the more medical the session the less comfortable I'd feel, where he feels the opposite, the less medically monitored the more uncomfortable he feels.
The 4 pills with the full dose are taken exactly a half hour later at 6:25pm, which is the exact time that the baby (whose been an angel the last 4 hours) decides its time to sound off and let the world know how hard it is to be alive via her vocal cords. I rock the baby as Jessie finishes her check up. I’m a sucker for her and am slightly more interested in the baby’s needs than the doctors. I always feel like I’m playing house when I hold a baby and imagine for the time being that she’s mine, sick I know. But after more than a half hour of tending to her she reminds me how selfish I am and how far off the reality of a baby is to me.
He wants us to leave the lights on and stay with him for a while. Within the first hour he has almost no symptoms. He feels slightly tired and his auditory senses are elevated. He complains of how loud the fish tank filter in the living room sounds from his room. I suggest he be alone to try and take in what he’s feeling .
A half hour later we check again its been an hour and a half since the full dose and now I can notice the changes, he still insists he feels fine but hears a buzzing in his ears. He needs to use the bathroom and as he sits up the weight of the medicine hits him hard and he has trouble moving. I walk him to the bathroom and try to sooth him by telling him its all normal and to be expected. He wants Jessie and I to stay and talk to him but he can no longer remember English and keeps forgetting Jessie’s name. He keeps saying half sentences and then laughing hysterically, we laugh along with him and he curses me “DR. FITZSIMMONS hijo de la gran puta you put me in this state” and then laughs uncontrollably at himself. It's relieving to see that he's laughing so much, so the visions and his thoughts must not be too terribly uncomfortable, but I'm a little nervous that he can no longer understand English, just in case he needs to communicate an emergency or anything with me.
He wants to speak with Dr. Tercero to assure him everything is alright, so I call him and the doc makes absolutely no sense on the phone and abruptly hangs up. I have to call back to assure him everything is cool. We stay for a while and humor him but eventually I try to convince him to be alone to feel the medicine work. He agrees but has to get up to pee again. This trip is much harder than the last it takes many attempts to get on his feet and both me and Jessie to get him to the toilet. He wobbles back and forth as he stands, giggles to himself and asks us where the loud (nonexistent) music is coming from. I don’t want to freak him out so I say that I can hear it slightly but his senses are probably more elevated than mine right now. Back in bed he can hardly manage words so we leave him.
Jessie and I eat dinner together and try to quiet the baby. She's very sweet and helpful with the medical side of things but the truth is she knows nothing about Ibogaine and how sensitive the treatment process is. She is speaking full volume, answering her cell phone and wants to put on a movie. It’s hard to understand how extremely vulnerable a patient’s senses are during this time if they haven’t been there themselves. The creek of a door opening can sound like a tree crashing right next to you. I can’t blame her because she was thrown into this probably yesterday with no knowledge of it, but I’m really annoyed with the doc for not schooling her in the basics or at least telling me about it. I have trouble telling her to quiet down due to the language barrier but she gets me, the baby however does not. Although I may be looking at this situation as flawed I know we are all here at the same time to create his session together for a specific reason, even if it may be disturbing to him, it all has a reason. We collectively make up his experience.
The noise in this place is unreal which I've never noticed until now. The airport is nearby so low flying planes scream their way over us, the traffic outside his window is so loud it vibrates and because there is little furniture, every room echoes like a ghost house. Not to mention the little angel screaming at the top of her lungs. I can’t help but cringe with worry at every little noise on his behalf, but doc hasn’t complained about any of it yet, I don’t know if it’s because he can’t get the words out or he’s content in his waking dreams.
Hour 3- Jessie’s phone rings. She answers it and walks carelessly into doc’s room, speaks full volume in Spanish and hands him the phone. It’s his aunt checking up on him. UHHHH not a good idea to hand someone 3 hrs into an ibo treatment a phone with a paranoid, worry wart family member on the other line asking if everything is alright. I rush in the room and see him take the phone as he can barely open his eyes. I’m impressed by the fact that he can get through the brief conversation. Ok no more interruptions for a while!
Hour 4- things have finally quieted down a bit, the baby is up and down from sleep but at least done howling and we’re seated in the living room, me typing away and Jessie watching The Last Samurai on mute with subtitles. I haven’t checked doc because I figured he needed some time. From the cameras I could see that he’s still moving quite a bit in the bed, I did too in my first treatment, it was horribly uncomfortable. I’m hoping it’s not too rough for him as he’s approaching the peak.
Hour 5-Jessie and I crack the door of the doc’s room to check on him. He looks at us and says “come one in, sit with me” completely coherent. It’s the strangest thing. He is sitting up talking with us completely animated and full of jokes as he always is. He says he feels no symptoms at all besides seeing trails which follow anything that moves and slight numbness of the body. He chugs his whole Gatorade and I get him water and a banana. I’m slightly nervous about him eating, I’m not sure if he has peaked already and is on his way down or if it’s yet to come. He’s sure that he’s past the peak and is even making sense of some of the things he saw in his waking dreams and explaining them to me, Jessie, the voice recorder and the camera. He also is having nicotine cravings, which I think is strange because Ibo is said to lessen if not stop withdrawals once the visions begin. However I think what happened is that he didn’t take enough ibo for his body weight and his tolerance to substances and his body quickly metabolized the medicine which ended the session in only 5 hours.
He only took 6 mgs, where if he were an addict he might have done around 20. I urged him to do at least 15 between the 2 sessions but he kept saying he didn’t want to waste the Ibo, he now admits it was because of fear.
I know it’s silly but I feel slightly disappointed that he had such a casual experience, I think we defiantly should have had a booster pill on hand of at least 2mgs. Although I believe that every Ibo experience goes exactly the way it was meant to, I guess we can take this as the introduction. Maybe I can convince him to take more on Friday to get to a break through point, we’ll see.
The hardly slept that night. Partly because I was anxious to hear how he's doing and partly because I was worried about him. He slept until about 3pm, which is pretty normal, Ibo can be exhausting. When he awoke he burst out of the room looking surprisingly refreshed "DOCTOR FITZSIMMONS!" he announced as he hugged me "I FEEL GREAT!" I listened to his experiences for the rest of the day.
From his point of view the session was extremely successful. By no means did he enjoy it but he was on a high from how much he'd received from it. He was incredibly terrified by the sensations he felt physically and when he looked at Jessie and I he could see the veins in our skin as if we were pale corpses. He also had a bit of a paranoid phase where he saw this elaborate plan that panned out perfectly in which Jessie and I were hired to kill him. Despite all of these living nightmares he was able to laugh at them. He said the absurdity of it all made him laugh hysterically, which showed him that fear is simply created.
He also had specific visions of seeing himself on a street corner branch off into 3 beings. His physical self, his alcoholic self and his essence which has been the same since birth. The three walked onto different paths and later came together and had an argument about wanting to drink again. The alcoholic self won over the physical self and he was convinced that he needed a drink as soon as he could wake up from this state. He said he felt panicked as if the Ibogaine had a reverse affect and restarted his addiction. Then the essence self intervened and won over the physical self by saying "I don't drink anymore, at least for today" He said such a simple message never seemed so clear, he felt that it sealed his past with drinking for good.
I'm shocked by how similar this vision is to the one that we recreated in the "Iboga" play back in 2005 at Pace University. We staged a battle between Ego, Essence and the "Addict Mother" being treated. I played Essence and yup I won. It blows my mind how these visions repeat in different people's subconscious. It's truly amazing.
He was completely relieved of his cold that began the night before with a severe throat ache and a stuffy nose. He said he felt completely clean and fresh. Incredible.
Although he did have slight cravings to smoke he said that his renewed reminder of being able to choose was enough for him to not give in. He handed me his cigarettes and said he would try, "At least for today." I suggested that he might still have cravings because in order for Ibogaine to work on an addiction interruption level he would've needed to take around 15-20milligrams per kilo. His cravings are still reduced immensely compared to what he thinks they would be like if he quit cold turkey. After all he was smoking almost 3 packs of Marb reds a day for over 30 years and he's escaped this with only psychological cravings and some fatigue.
He was overcome with emotion as he thanked me profusely for the session. He told me that he cant believe this was my first time administering because I operated as if I was completely in control and soothed his fears with my nurturing, soft approach. He thinks I was born with a gift to do this and begged me to come back and work with him in the future.
I have to say that although last night I was panicking and concentrating on all of the things that went wrong from my point of view, I think he's right. I never questioned my actions for a moment last night, I just knew exactly what to do at the proper time. I cant even say that I was thinking much about it. I was just feeling and following my instincts, which was easy because I felt so in tuned to what he was going through. It was as if I was feeling all these outside influences right along with him.
Later I let him know that I wanted to up his dosage for Friday. As expected he was repulsed by even the thought of taking his second dose tomorrow, let alone a higher dose. He understands my reasoning and agrees with me but is still shaky at the thought. I understand completely. I wanted the first ticket home out of Mexico and to never hear ibo mentioned again for the rest of my life on the day after my experience. Then after a week of being talked into it I gave in and did my second treatment. I'm incredibly thankful that I did, it was such an amazingly clear gift in which I got the answers to every issue of my physical life. 2 years later I still can't process all of it. I think it was Rocky (Sayulita MX provider) that said the first introduction session cleans out all the dark cobb webs of the mind so the second session can come in and do the real work. I really think there's something to that.
We're both pretty fried from the whole experience, in a good way. We'll probably take it easy tomorrow in preparation for tomorrow night's follow up session....!!!
Although I have much to say about my trip around this beautiful country it will have to wait for a later post because I must write about last night while it is still fresh. Yesterday I finally administered the doctor's Ibogaine treatment and wrote the following throughout the night:
So here I am on hour 2.5 of the session, the doc is stable and hopefully approaching the visionary stage.
The day went pretty much how I expected, things popped up and delayed us 3 hours but I’m just so happy to be at this point, I was starting to believe the session would never happen. We put the medicine into capsules this morning and used the scale for the first time. It was a pretty hilarious trial by error session as we clumsily tried to get the powder into the tiny capsules without spilling any using these fancy little steel and crystal instruments. We tried about 10 different methods and tools until we found one that wasted the least ibo. The pills we bought are too small and wouldn't fit any more than 0.110 milligrams-we needed 436 milligrams for his 1st session which equals about 6mgs per kilo. So we first made a 100 mg allergy testing pill, and 4 other pills for the rest of the dose. He is doing 12mgrams per kilo in total split between tonight and Friday night. 6mgrams is pretty low for someone of his weight and experience with substance abuse. I did 6.5 my first session and had my head blown off so it's always relative.
Next we made the mixture for Fridays session. The doc had an idea a few weeks back to administer ibo in a liquid form. I’m not exactly sure what the benefits are but he thinks it might get into the blood stream faster which will speed up the process, or if someone has a problem swallowing pills, like a few of his patients do, this could be an alternative. Time will tell what the differences are. We got mineral free water from the lab and put 436mg into 20ml of the water, mixed and put into a dropper for Fridays session.
We’re aiming for a 4pm start so he begins fasting at 10am and I advise him to stop drinking liquids at 12pm. I catch him sneak a can of tomato juice around 3pm, we’ll see which end it comes out later.
During our process a young woman came to the house with a new born baby. I figured she was a friend here to show off her 20 day old baby girl. We kept working and about an hour later the doc mentioned that Jessie is a nurse and will be helping us with the treatment. OK, so I won’t be alone like I thought, which isn’t a bad thing but I'd liked to have known this. The baby is adorable and has yet to be named, she still cant decide on one that everyone in the family agrees with. Jessie is very sweet, 31 but doesn’t look a day over 25 and speaks no English whatsoever (which is good, I need the push). I guess he figured I wasn’t ready to be prodding him with IV catheters or in the chance of an emergency resuscitate him, which I’m ok with, I wasn’t completely either.
I then realize that the baby is coming with us and will be here the entire time. Ok, not such a good idea. If there were a top ten list of worst things to be present at an ibogaine session I would put a new born baby at number 4 behind a monster truck race, an air show and a group of howler monkeys. Eh, whatever I guess we’ll make it work (that’s been my motto for the last 2 months). I’m just slightly annoyed that he never mentioned it to me.
An hour after we were supposed to have started treatment we are still at home. Another surprise visit from Mynor for….I’m not sure what, packing food, clothes and necessities and finally we’re ready. We get to the treatment house at 5pm and are met by Sergio and his wife. They are here to interview us before the session at the doctor’s request. Ok, another thing which is sprung upon last minute. They interview us for an hour meanwhile 2 of the doctors that are waiting by the phone to assist me call to check on us. I inform them that as expected we are behind schedule and promise to update them when we start.
Sergio and his wife leave as we begin. The dr. wants to record his session so he sets up the tripod in the room. He keeps a notebook on the bed for writing and a voice recorder. I tried to explain that I think it should be more of an internal process but he insisted that he wanted as much information recorded as possible. As expected none of these things were utilized, except a few messages into the voice recorder that were pretty much garbled nonsense within hour 2.
He took the allergy test pill at 5:55pm. Jessie took a quick physical checkup and inserted the needle for the I.V. catheter port in his wrist. I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable to have on during an Ibo session but he insisted that he wanted it in the case of an emergency. I think the difference between our point of view is that the more medical the session the less comfortable I'd feel, where he feels the opposite, the less medically monitored the more uncomfortable he feels.
The 4 pills with the full dose are taken exactly a half hour later at 6:25pm, which is the exact time that the baby (whose been an angel the last 4 hours) decides its time to sound off and let the world know how hard it is to be alive via her vocal cords. I rock the baby as Jessie finishes her check up. I’m a sucker for her and am slightly more interested in the baby’s needs than the doctors. I always feel like I’m playing house when I hold a baby and imagine for the time being that she’s mine, sick I know. But after more than a half hour of tending to her she reminds me how selfish I am and how far off the reality of a baby is to me.
He wants us to leave the lights on and stay with him for a while. Within the first hour he has almost no symptoms. He feels slightly tired and his auditory senses are elevated. He complains of how loud the fish tank filter in the living room sounds from his room. I suggest he be alone to try and take in what he’s feeling .
A half hour later we check again its been an hour and a half since the full dose and now I can notice the changes, he still insists he feels fine but hears a buzzing in his ears. He needs to use the bathroom and as he sits up the weight of the medicine hits him hard and he has trouble moving. I walk him to the bathroom and try to sooth him by telling him its all normal and to be expected. He wants Jessie and I to stay and talk to him but he can no longer remember English and keeps forgetting Jessie’s name. He keeps saying half sentences and then laughing hysterically, we laugh along with him and he curses me “DR. FITZSIMMONS hijo de la gran puta you put me in this state” and then laughs uncontrollably at himself. It's relieving to see that he's laughing so much, so the visions and his thoughts must not be too terribly uncomfortable, but I'm a little nervous that he can no longer understand English, just in case he needs to communicate an emergency or anything with me.
He wants to speak with Dr. Tercero to assure him everything is alright, so I call him and the doc makes absolutely no sense on the phone and abruptly hangs up. I have to call back to assure him everything is cool. We stay for a while and humor him but eventually I try to convince him to be alone to feel the medicine work. He agrees but has to get up to pee again. This trip is much harder than the last it takes many attempts to get on his feet and both me and Jessie to get him to the toilet. He wobbles back and forth as he stands, giggles to himself and asks us where the loud (nonexistent) music is coming from. I don’t want to freak him out so I say that I can hear it slightly but his senses are probably more elevated than mine right now. Back in bed he can hardly manage words so we leave him.
Jessie and I eat dinner together and try to quiet the baby. She's very sweet and helpful with the medical side of things but the truth is she knows nothing about Ibogaine and how sensitive the treatment process is. She is speaking full volume, answering her cell phone and wants to put on a movie. It’s hard to understand how extremely vulnerable a patient’s senses are during this time if they haven’t been there themselves. The creek of a door opening can sound like a tree crashing right next to you. I can’t blame her because she was thrown into this probably yesterday with no knowledge of it, but I’m really annoyed with the doc for not schooling her in the basics or at least telling me about it. I have trouble telling her to quiet down due to the language barrier but she gets me, the baby however does not. Although I may be looking at this situation as flawed I know we are all here at the same time to create his session together for a specific reason, even if it may be disturbing to him, it all has a reason. We collectively make up his experience.
The noise in this place is unreal which I've never noticed until now. The airport is nearby so low flying planes scream their way over us, the traffic outside his window is so loud it vibrates and because there is little furniture, every room echoes like a ghost house. Not to mention the little angel screaming at the top of her lungs. I can’t help but cringe with worry at every little noise on his behalf, but doc hasn’t complained about any of it yet, I don’t know if it’s because he can’t get the words out or he’s content in his waking dreams.
Hour 3- Jessie’s phone rings. She answers it and walks carelessly into doc’s room, speaks full volume in Spanish and hands him the phone. It’s his aunt checking up on him. UHHHH not a good idea to hand someone 3 hrs into an ibo treatment a phone with a paranoid, worry wart family member on the other line asking if everything is alright. I rush in the room and see him take the phone as he can barely open his eyes. I’m impressed by the fact that he can get through the brief conversation. Ok no more interruptions for a while!
Hour 4- things have finally quieted down a bit, the baby is up and down from sleep but at least done howling and we’re seated in the living room, me typing away and Jessie watching The Last Samurai on mute with subtitles. I haven’t checked doc because I figured he needed some time. From the cameras I could see that he’s still moving quite a bit in the bed, I did too in my first treatment, it was horribly uncomfortable. I’m hoping it’s not too rough for him as he’s approaching the peak.
Hour 5-Jessie and I crack the door of the doc’s room to check on him. He looks at us and says “come one in, sit with me” completely coherent. It’s the strangest thing. He is sitting up talking with us completely animated and full of jokes as he always is. He says he feels no symptoms at all besides seeing trails which follow anything that moves and slight numbness of the body. He chugs his whole Gatorade and I get him water and a banana. I’m slightly nervous about him eating, I’m not sure if he has peaked already and is on his way down or if it’s yet to come. He’s sure that he’s past the peak and is even making sense of some of the things he saw in his waking dreams and explaining them to me, Jessie, the voice recorder and the camera. He also is having nicotine cravings, which I think is strange because Ibo is said to lessen if not stop withdrawals once the visions begin. However I think what happened is that he didn’t take enough ibo for his body weight and his tolerance to substances and his body quickly metabolized the medicine which ended the session in only 5 hours.
He only took 6 mgs, where if he were an addict he might have done around 20. I urged him to do at least 15 between the 2 sessions but he kept saying he didn’t want to waste the Ibo, he now admits it was because of fear.
I know it’s silly but I feel slightly disappointed that he had such a casual experience, I think we defiantly should have had a booster pill on hand of at least 2mgs. Although I believe that every Ibo experience goes exactly the way it was meant to, I guess we can take this as the introduction. Maybe I can convince him to take more on Friday to get to a break through point, we’ll see.
The hardly slept that night. Partly because I was anxious to hear how he's doing and partly because I was worried about him. He slept until about 3pm, which is pretty normal, Ibo can be exhausting. When he awoke he burst out of the room looking surprisingly refreshed "DOCTOR FITZSIMMONS!" he announced as he hugged me "I FEEL GREAT!" I listened to his experiences for the rest of the day.
From his point of view the session was extremely successful. By no means did he enjoy it but he was on a high from how much he'd received from it. He was incredibly terrified by the sensations he felt physically and when he looked at Jessie and I he could see the veins in our skin as if we were pale corpses. He also had a bit of a paranoid phase where he saw this elaborate plan that panned out perfectly in which Jessie and I were hired to kill him. Despite all of these living nightmares he was able to laugh at them. He said the absurdity of it all made him laugh hysterically, which showed him that fear is simply created.
He also had specific visions of seeing himself on a street corner branch off into 3 beings. His physical self, his alcoholic self and his essence which has been the same since birth. The three walked onto different paths and later came together and had an argument about wanting to drink again. The alcoholic self won over the physical self and he was convinced that he needed a drink as soon as he could wake up from this state. He said he felt panicked as if the Ibogaine had a reverse affect and restarted his addiction. Then the essence self intervened and won over the physical self by saying "I don't drink anymore, at least for today" He said such a simple message never seemed so clear, he felt that it sealed his past with drinking for good.
I'm shocked by how similar this vision is to the one that we recreated in the "Iboga" play back in 2005 at Pace University. We staged a battle between Ego, Essence and the "Addict Mother" being treated. I played Essence and yup I won. It blows my mind how these visions repeat in different people's subconscious. It's truly amazing.
He was completely relieved of his cold that began the night before with a severe throat ache and a stuffy nose. He said he felt completely clean and fresh. Incredible.
Although he did have slight cravings to smoke he said that his renewed reminder of being able to choose was enough for him to not give in. He handed me his cigarettes and said he would try, "At least for today." I suggested that he might still have cravings because in order for Ibogaine to work on an addiction interruption level he would've needed to take around 15-20milligrams per kilo. His cravings are still reduced immensely compared to what he thinks they would be like if he quit cold turkey. After all he was smoking almost 3 packs of Marb reds a day for over 30 years and he's escaped this with only psychological cravings and some fatigue.
He was overcome with emotion as he thanked me profusely for the session. He told me that he cant believe this was my first time administering because I operated as if I was completely in control and soothed his fears with my nurturing, soft approach. He thinks I was born with a gift to do this and begged me to come back and work with him in the future.
I have to say that although last night I was panicking and concentrating on all of the things that went wrong from my point of view, I think he's right. I never questioned my actions for a moment last night, I just knew exactly what to do at the proper time. I cant even say that I was thinking much about it. I was just feeling and following my instincts, which was easy because I felt so in tuned to what he was going through. It was as if I was feeling all these outside influences right along with him.
Later I let him know that I wanted to up his dosage for Friday. As expected he was repulsed by even the thought of taking his second dose tomorrow, let alone a higher dose. He understands my reasoning and agrees with me but is still shaky at the thought. I understand completely. I wanted the first ticket home out of Mexico and to never hear ibo mentioned again for the rest of my life on the day after my experience. Then after a week of being talked into it I gave in and did my second treatment. I'm incredibly thankful that I did, it was such an amazingly clear gift in which I got the answers to every issue of my physical life. 2 years later I still can't process all of it. I think it was Rocky (Sayulita MX provider) that said the first introduction session cleans out all the dark cobb webs of the mind so the second session can come in and do the real work. I really think there's something to that.
We're both pretty fried from the whole experience, in a good way. We'll probably take it easy tomorrow in preparation for tomorrow night's follow up session....!!!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Embracing Stagnation
Yesterday we had our big CPR/First Aid course. It was somewhat of a grueling 5 hours but very thorough- the only way doc knows how. I'm pretty lucky to have gotten the whole training for free. He does these training courses for the special Olympics staff and schools.
I'm feeling better this week though with the reality of our situation. I'm trying to take everything as it comes instead of trying to force productivity. If nothing else it's made me more aware of that in myself. My best attributes is my ability to see through blocks and accomplish things with persistence and luck, and its one of my biggest flaws; not being able to relax and be content if I'm not constantly working towards accomplishing something. That's always the case with people though, what you love best about someone is also what you cant fucking stand about them, it just depends on the situation.
Plus its been around 15 degrees warmer so that always helps : )
One of our investors/partners pulled out of the project today. Its bitter sweet because on the bright side it doesn't really matter since he hasn't paid his end in a month or shown any interest in helping or contacting us plus we can move on now that we know he's defiantly out, but the hard part is that the center is in his name. The doc doesn't seem worried though, he's much more concerned with loyalty than money (one of those things I love and cant stand).
Luckily we found a loan for the scale and it will be shipped to us on Friday! So it looks like at least I'll be able to facilitate docs session before I go, which would be so very gratifying.
Even better news...my Mom is coming tomorrow!! I'll get a much needed and anticipated 10 day break. We're going to Antigua to climb Pacaya- an active volcano, Lake Atitlan which is the biggest Guatemalan lake that's surrounded by little indigenous Mayan villages and last Tikal, home of the biggest Mayan ruins in the country and tropical lands so it'll be even warmer. Luckily doc promised we'd wait until I got back to start treatments.
Till then Lady and I are just sitting on the roof holding down the fort and embracing the sweet stagnation of the day.
I'm feeling better this week though with the reality of our situation. I'm trying to take everything as it comes instead of trying to force productivity. If nothing else it's made me more aware of that in myself. My best attributes is my ability to see through blocks and accomplish things with persistence and luck, and its one of my biggest flaws; not being able to relax and be content if I'm not constantly working towards accomplishing something. That's always the case with people though, what you love best about someone is also what you cant fucking stand about them, it just depends on the situation.
Plus its been around 15 degrees warmer so that always helps : )
One of our investors/partners pulled out of the project today. Its bitter sweet because on the bright side it doesn't really matter since he hasn't paid his end in a month or shown any interest in helping or contacting us plus we can move on now that we know he's defiantly out, but the hard part is that the center is in his name. The doc doesn't seem worried though, he's much more concerned with loyalty than money (one of those things I love and cant stand).
Luckily we found a loan for the scale and it will be shipped to us on Friday! So it looks like at least I'll be able to facilitate docs session before I go, which would be so very gratifying.
Even better news...my Mom is coming tomorrow!! I'll get a much needed and anticipated 10 day break. We're going to Antigua to climb Pacaya- an active volcano, Lake Atitlan which is the biggest Guatemalan lake that's surrounded by little indigenous Mayan villages and last Tikal, home of the biggest Mayan ruins in the country and tropical lands so it'll be even warmer. Luckily doc promised we'd wait until I got back to start treatments.
Till then Lady and I are just sitting on the roof holding down the fort and embracing the sweet stagnation of the day.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Enjoy your rotting bird carcass, I'll enjoy my beans
I've never cared about this meaningless holiday but today I'm wishing I could give thanks to the Indians we slaughtered for the US of A with everyone else. Ah 4 weeks and counting, I know I shouldn't be because I am sitting on the roof under a cloudless sky with the sun on my shoulders, but I cant help but count.
So it seems that things aren't working out quite as I had hoped. Since last week we've been playing with the medicine, measuring doses, finding the perfect sized capsules and finally due to doc's medical perfectionism he deemed our scale unworthy. The scale we need is 2,000 quetzales around 265 dollars, which is big money here. The doc is waiting on half of Guatemala to pay him back for medical services he let slide and loans he gave out, now he's broke and we cant move forward until we have that scale. I've offered to pay just to get things moving, but he refused. I cant blame him, but its frustrating. I guess that's the thing with small businesses, if you don't have big money behind you the process is painstakingly long.
Being somewhat captive in our gated community is taking it's toll-too much time to think. I'm ready to take my chances in the big bad city, after all I know how to shoot now-kidding mom.
Tomorrow Doc is giving Jeraldo and I a First Aid and CPR lesson. We're getting the dummy and all today. I've been looking forward to it, I know its necessary regardless of what I pursue.
I have a sneaking feeling that we aren't going to do the treatments before I leave. It's got me over analyzing the point of this trip and what I've accomplished. I need to come to terms with the possibility of that and not weigh everything on it happening. I know I've gained a lot of medical knowledge and I better understand how much it takes to start up an ibo clinic, but it would be nice to taste the fruits of our labor. If I've chosen this vagabond life for myself I need to loosen my control grasp and go somewhere knowing full well that things wont be how I day dream they will, not everything will progress my ibogaine studies but it will be something new to remember. I still cant help but weigh what its worth....I better at least get a tan ; )
I'm sure these feelings will pass, maybe its just this damn holiday and the consequence of trying to change what our culture has imprinted in my brain as traditional.
Eat an extra piece of pie for me, happy bird murdering! With that;
http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=sarah+palin+tirkey+pardon&hl=en&emb=0&aq=o#q=sarah%20palin%20turkey%20pardon%20uncensored&hl=en&emb=0
Oh Sarah, how I miss seeing you in the press.
So it seems that things aren't working out quite as I had hoped. Since last week we've been playing with the medicine, measuring doses, finding the perfect sized capsules and finally due to doc's medical perfectionism he deemed our scale unworthy. The scale we need is 2,000 quetzales around 265 dollars, which is big money here. The doc is waiting on half of Guatemala to pay him back for medical services he let slide and loans he gave out, now he's broke and we cant move forward until we have that scale. I've offered to pay just to get things moving, but he refused. I cant blame him, but its frustrating. I guess that's the thing with small businesses, if you don't have big money behind you the process is painstakingly long.
Being somewhat captive in our gated community is taking it's toll-too much time to think. I'm ready to take my chances in the big bad city, after all I know how to shoot now-kidding mom.
Tomorrow Doc is giving Jeraldo and I a First Aid and CPR lesson. We're getting the dummy and all today. I've been looking forward to it, I know its necessary regardless of what I pursue.
I have a sneaking feeling that we aren't going to do the treatments before I leave. It's got me over analyzing the point of this trip and what I've accomplished. I need to come to terms with the possibility of that and not weigh everything on it happening. I know I've gained a lot of medical knowledge and I better understand how much it takes to start up an ibo clinic, but it would be nice to taste the fruits of our labor. If I've chosen this vagabond life for myself I need to loosen my control grasp and go somewhere knowing full well that things wont be how I day dream they will, not everything will progress my ibogaine studies but it will be something new to remember. I still cant help but weigh what its worth....I better at least get a tan ; )
I'm sure these feelings will pass, maybe its just this damn holiday and the consequence of trying to change what our culture has imprinted in my brain as traditional.
Eat an extra piece of pie for me, happy bird murdering! With that;
http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=sarah+palin+tirkey+pardon&hl=en&emb=0&aq=o#q=sarah%20palin%20turkey%20pardon%20uncensored&hl=en&emb=0
Oh Sarah, how I miss seeing you in the press.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Brrrrrr!
1. Doc's office
2. Michella y Lady
3. Michella y me
4. Me
5. Doc
It's COLD! I thought being this close to the equator would give me a tropical winter, but because Guatemala is the highland of a valley, no such luck. The coldest it gets is around 50, which makes me sound like a whiner, but every home and building is constructed in an open air style- where there should be a door there is instead the complete lack of a wall, so you've got got goosebumps from sun down to sun up.
The past couple of days have been tough at times. The whole thing is on the horizon, but for now we're waiting on endless formalities and money issues to get resolved before we start. The down time has occasionally provoked homesickness. I just crave social interaction with people my own age. Hanging out with only middle aged men for the past 18 days takes it's toll. I'm trying to remind myself that we're almost there and I'll soon be too busy to remember all of that.
I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday on the website outline. Ugh. The doc spent the entire night before working and never slept, so he was an unproductive zombie that day, and I ended up doing it all on my own. It didn't help my attitude any, he could tell so he promised we'd do something fun that night.
We went out to Cachasa last night once we finished the outline. It's a great acoustic music lounge converted from a barn. They have various instruments on the stage, so whoever knows a song can get up and play for the small crowd. The doc got up and played some guitar while a younger guy came up and sang these beautiful Spanish ballads. It was so much fun. I finally had a drink for the first time since I left (might've been the driest I've been since I was 14-not proud of that). The only local Guatemalan beer is Gallo (Rooster) it's a really good lager. After 3 I was toasty (I should take dry spells more often). I felt a little guilty drinking in front of the doc, but he insisted it didn't bother him.
I talked to this girl Kris for a long time. Her dad is Guatemalan and her mom is from Geneva, NY! Her mom came here as an exchange student and never left. I told her I was from Schenectady and she was like "Oh my God, I LOVED Schenectady! It was such a quaint city" Her 2 brothers live in Albany, because they have dual citizenship. I never for a million years thought I'd meet someone in Guat city that had any idea what Schenectady was. Kris introduced me to all the bar staff (who were also the performers) and we had a great time together.
She shed some light on why I've been kept under such air-tight security wraps. I told her how I feel like I haven't seen the city because the doc keeps telling me it's unsafe to do anything on my own. She explained that it really was for my own good, he isn't exaggerating, a friend of hers was shot in the head and robbed from his car in a bad part of town 3 days ago. She was saying that all too often Americans like me come to Guat and over look the fact that it's a 3rd world country. She said there still is a lot to see and it's a beautiful place but just not to do it alone. It did help me see better where the doc was coming from. It was so refreshing to hang with her and the staff though, I got her info so hopefully I'll see her again.
Speaking of security, I finally learned to shoot! We took a break from work a couple days ago and I got my shooting lesson in the garden. It's a 45mm with a buffer built in to soften the kick back-even so that thing kicked my ass. We put targets on the sand and he showed me how to stand, aim and safety precautions. When you shoot it seems like everything goes into slow motion from the power of the sound and the kick back, my ears were ringing for the whole day. It was awesome. I keep asking him to bring me to a range now.
It's funny how in the middle of the afternoon your neighbors can hear you shoot off rounds and think nothing of it, one of the perks of Guatemala. That and the disregard for picking up dog shit, I love it. I was walking Lady a couple days ago and I bent down to bag her business. Doc and Marta looked at me like I was crazy and started cracking up, "What are jyou going to do with that?" She asked me, and they laughed about it for the rest of the day.
The past couple of days have been tough at times. The whole thing is on the horizon, but for now we're waiting on endless formalities and money issues to get resolved before we start. The down time has occasionally provoked homesickness. I just crave social interaction with people my own age. Hanging out with only middle aged men for the past 18 days takes it's toll. I'm trying to remind myself that we're almost there and I'll soon be too busy to remember all of that.
I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday on the website outline. Ugh. The doc spent the entire night before working and never slept, so he was an unproductive zombie that day, and I ended up doing it all on my own. It didn't help my attitude any, he could tell so he promised we'd do something fun that night.
We went out to Cachasa last night once we finished the outline. It's a great acoustic music lounge converted from a barn. They have various instruments on the stage, so whoever knows a song can get up and play for the small crowd. The doc got up and played some guitar while a younger guy came up and sang these beautiful Spanish ballads. It was so much fun. I finally had a drink for the first time since I left (might've been the driest I've been since I was 14-not proud of that). The only local Guatemalan beer is Gallo (Rooster) it's a really good lager. After 3 I was toasty (I should take dry spells more often). I felt a little guilty drinking in front of the doc, but he insisted it didn't bother him.
I talked to this girl Kris for a long time. Her dad is Guatemalan and her mom is from Geneva, NY! Her mom came here as an exchange student and never left. I told her I was from Schenectady and she was like "Oh my God, I LOVED Schenectady! It was such a quaint city" Her 2 brothers live in Albany, because they have dual citizenship. I never for a million years thought I'd meet someone in Guat city that had any idea what Schenectady was. Kris introduced me to all the bar staff (who were also the performers) and we had a great time together.
She shed some light on why I've been kept under such air-tight security wraps. I told her how I feel like I haven't seen the city because the doc keeps telling me it's unsafe to do anything on my own. She explained that it really was for my own good, he isn't exaggerating, a friend of hers was shot in the head and robbed from his car in a bad part of town 3 days ago. She was saying that all too often Americans like me come to Guat and over look the fact that it's a 3rd world country. She said there still is a lot to see and it's a beautiful place but just not to do it alone. It did help me see better where the doc was coming from. It was so refreshing to hang with her and the staff though, I got her info so hopefully I'll see her again.
Speaking of security, I finally learned to shoot! We took a break from work a couple days ago and I got my shooting lesson in the garden. It's a 45mm with a buffer built in to soften the kick back-even so that thing kicked my ass. We put targets on the sand and he showed me how to stand, aim and safety precautions. When you shoot it seems like everything goes into slow motion from the power of the sound and the kick back, my ears were ringing for the whole day. It was awesome. I keep asking him to bring me to a range now.
It's funny how in the middle of the afternoon your neighbors can hear you shoot off rounds and think nothing of it, one of the perks of Guatemala. That and the disregard for picking up dog shit, I love it. I was walking Lady a couple days ago and I bent down to bag her business. Doc and Marta looked at me like I was crazy and started cracking up, "What are jyou going to do with that?" She asked me, and they laughed about it for the rest of the day.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It's Been a Hard Day's Night...
1. Volcano over Antigua2. Me on the cathederal steps
3. Jesus on his deathbed inside the cathederal
4. Inside the cathederal
5. The main cathederal in Antigua
The ibo arrival lit a flame under our asses. Before we do the staff sessions we need to get a few things in order, so we've spent the day trying to organize (and by that I mean me making lists while the doc plays with and measures the medicine and capsules, in turn I chastise him for his lack of focus). We need to get all emergency medical materials and meds ready at the house, as well as stocking it with food and basic living necessities.
We had a meeting with the "advertising head" he's doc's long time friend Sergio who is a photographer/designer. We gave him a tour of the house and discussed all the things we need to put together for him; an outline of the web site- which means we need to put together a mission statement, logo, put into words the vision doc has for its themes, hotel/tourist info for clients from outside Guat. Also we need to target a few hotels and try to work out a deal/partnership with them-Maybe this wkend, which will be a great excuse to sight see : ) Hopefully we can finish all of the above before next wk so we can start doc's session. It feels good to finally have the pressure on.
We had a little meeting with a rep. from "Medpharma" to propose our idea and try and work out a deal with them; If they give us their meds for free to treat our patients for PAW (post acute withdrawal) syndrome, we'll use their products exclusively, which will provide advertising for them, plus we're a good cause so it'll give them charity cred. Doc wasn't very optimistic going into it because of previous dealings with typically slimy, greedy pharmaceutical companies.
But the rep. was surprisingly interested in our treatment and had a lot of questions about PAW, he even requested docs PAW presentation and documents via email. He wasn't what I expected at all, he had a great concern for our cause and agreed that the alcohol problem here is appalling and unrecognized. He's going to run it over with the higher ups and hopefully get back to us.
As soon as the rep. was out the door, the doc's next patient Delmi, was on her way in. Delmi has been coming to the doc for therapy sessions for a long while. He has a strange sort of approach to therapy that I'm not completely sure I agree with yet- it's very Freudian. He hooks up a very small IV to a vein just below the patients knuckle and gives them a very small doses of a barbiturate and a benzodiazepine, which creates a slightly sedative effect, almost a hypnosis state where the subconscious is easily accessed. He films the entire session and has the patient speak about their problems and feelings for anywhere from an hour to 3 hrs, until the patient falls asleep for a short while. During the next session they review the video and he tells me the patients are typically shocked at what they've said during the treatment, they are able to see what their issues are without the veil of denial.
He's been describing these sessions to me for a while and I've watched some of Delmi's sessions on dvd. Tonight I got to sit in on it. Honestly it was pretty anti-climactic, mostly because I couldn't understand what she was saying. Delmi is a really sweet middle-aged mom. She suffers from low self-esteem due to her husbands constant infidelity and depression. I tried very hard to understand what was happening, but my attention span was doing cartwheels as I sat there for 2 hours trying to get it to sit still and translate. Eventually she fell asleep and doc answered my questions and we discussed his approach until her drowsiness wore off.
I'm not sure if I completely agree with the use of sedatives to access the subconscious, but he claims to have made tremendous progress with Delmi and many other patients this way. It'll be interesting to see her reaction on Saturday, where we'll review the dvd. It seems to me kind of like express thearapy, you dont have to get comfortable with a therapist for months before delving into the meaty issues. I'm wondering though if there is more of a benefit to having a therapy break through while conscious as opposed to sedated, maybe she'll have a concious break through while watching the dvd. I guess we'll see. Till then there is much work to be done..
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
La Vida Bella
1. The catherderal at night.
2. Shrine
3. Antigua
4. Antigua
5. Doc in Antigua
Monday morning-Connie's a no show, which means she's too drunk to get herself here. Marta and doc are pretty pissed and I cant stop thinking about Michella, what does she do all day when Connie is like this? She didn't show up today either.
We went to visit Mynor at Nueva Luz- zona 4 today to see how he's feeling and sneak him in some contraband cookies and juice, I thought it'd be necessary to break the monotony of cow spleen and lung 3x a day. Also the doc wanted to go to the house stocked with pills and creams to provide whatever medical treatment we could.
We walked in and the patients yelled "Hola doctora!" as soon as they saw us, they jumped out of their chairs to greet us with hugs, hand shakes and kisses. It was mayhem for the first 5 minutes, everyone wanted our attention-with every greeting we got a rundown on what was infected or aching that week. My very young admirer, Julio, lit up when he saw us and spoke his best English to let me know he was so happy we came. He didn't leave my side for the rest of the time, making sure everyone kept their distance. So cute.
We interrupted their dinner of sopa del dinosaurio or dinosaur soup-which I learned today is made out of the things the local butcher was going to throw away that day, mixed into a soup. Kind of like animal remains surprise. Yum. The smell was worse than the thought of it.
We finally found Mynor, who I didn't recognize at all. He was so puffy that he looked like a completely different person and seemed delirious. He's at the peak of the detox process, so I'm sure he felt 100 x worse than he looked. He started crying as he hugged us. I cant believe a little over a week ago he was our guide to these houses that we spent all day talking and laughing with.
The detox process at the Nueva Luz houses are pretty simple; Because you obviously cant quit alcohol cold turkey without the chance of death, they give the patients rubbing alcohol in decreasing quantities. So day one you get a pint glass of rubbing alcohol, which makes you vomit profusely because of the nausea inducing agent that is put in rubbing alcohol to dissuade people from drinking it, however your withdrawal symptoms are soothed since the alcohol is in your system. And so this goes until you are weaned off. Awful. So when I hugged Mynor the smell of him gave me the chills you get when you smell vodka the morning of a hang over.
We spent the rest of the time trying to diagnose ailments and handing out pills relieving pain, high blood pressure, heartburn and different creams for psoriasis, rashes and infected cuts. This time there were 4 guys crammed into the tiny jail cell (which I learned is punishment for the people in the worst of the detox process that act out).
One of the men that helps run the house asked Dr. Lopez if I would counsel him in dealing with the murder of his daughter. Dr. Lopez gave him his card and told him to make an appointment with us and Dr. Fitzsimmons would be happy to. Of course he didn't ask or let me know until we got home.
Once we got back and he informed me and I thought he was joking. I said, "Right, but really you'll do the counseling and I'll interject a few things here and there" He said casually "No, I wont be there." I stopped him "Wait wait wait, he doesn't even speak English, how am I supposed to communicate with him?" he laughed and said "Not my problem. My dear jyou need to learn to speak without de words".
Now I am aware of how lucky I am to be getting intense on the job training but my patients was wearing very thin yesterday, I'd really like to blame it on the moon. Volunteering me for grief counseling, which I don't know the first thing about, was the last straw. Maybe it's all the small things that add up when you spend an inordinate amount of time with one person, but I couldn't stop grinding my teeth out of frustration with him.
To begin with it's the arrogance of being my instructor that he harbors, blindly throwing me into situations that I don't have the knowledge or language skills to handle. It's what makes him a great teacher and a big pain in my ass. Then its the fact that we cant do the most simple things without it engulfing the rest of our day, which throws away the schedule I make for us of things we need to get done. Always on a quick errand we run into someone he knows with a sick family member, and there we sit for an hour as they tell their story-then it's "oops the post office just closed" so there goes our day. I've learned to add an hour or 3 onto every time estimate he gives. But then again I know that its another attribute that makes him a great doctor, his desire to help everyone and give everyone his full attention all the time. Then the chain smoking...ok now I'm just bitching.
I think what's getting to me the most is that I have no way to be independent here. There's no public transportation safe enough for me to take on my own, there's nowhere close enough to walk to besides the little park, and I cant shop for my own food so I eat what the fam eats, I actually cant even serve myself because Marta serves us and that's just how it is. It's all little things, I just need to adjust to doing things with the clan.
For the first time we got into somewhat of an argument. When he told me about the patient I would counsel I told him I felt like I'd be cheating the patient because he wouldn't walk away with anything useful because I'm NOT a certified counselor OR a Doctor-even though we've said it so many times that we may begin to believe it. I got worked up and told him I didn't think it was fair to introduce me as a Dr.- to me or the people that I meet, because they are looking to me for legit answers and I feel like I'll be letting their hopes down with laymen advise that they could get from anyone.
Once I was done ranting he of course responded to me with a story; When Mother Teresa first went to Haiti she met a a man that asked her to help save a woman dying of leprosy. She told him that she would do all that she had in her power. When she saw the woman, she was laying on the side of the street among litter, very close to death. Teresa sat very close to the woman. She took her hand and looked into her eyes and said "I love you." The woman responded "What?" Teresa repeated "I love you" "But How can you love me? My own family has abandoned me, how can you-a stranger, love me?" Teresa shrugged her shoulders and said "I love you, with every fiber of my soul and being." The woman smiled and died shortly after. Then the Dr. said "Did Mother Teresa have medical degree? Did she have protocol to follow in de death counseling?" ...Ok I got it.
He said "Chreestine, dthese patients see hope when dthey look at jyou. Just knowing that a Dr. from US care enough to spoke wit dthem is enough. There are 3 basic things that a good counselor can does: 1st Presence, being present when de patient is telling to you their problem. 2nd humanity, treating them wit human kindness and compassion and 3rd listening ability. Now a good counselor has at least 2 of these. jYou possess all 3 of dthese, I know just from de time I spend wit you telling to you my stories. I can now see that in our work we must next break these barriers you created, which tells jyou that jyou arent a dr. or a counselor or anything else we choose to be de next day. jYou must learn to believe dat jyou are whatever jyou decide to be."
And how do you respond to that? I didn't, just "You're right" then I went to my room.
I had 2 more movies that were "assigned" earlier in the day. La Vida Bella (Life is Beautiful) was the 1st, in Italian with subtitles. This movie was incredible and you need to rent it, that's all I can say. Some how it fit in perfectly with the theme of the earlier discussion. How does he do that?
Next was What the bleep do we know? "A mind-jarring blend of Quantum Physics, spirituality, neurology and evolutionary thought." Seriously. This documentary changed how I thought for a full day after I saw it. Watch it for free here: http://moviesfoundonline.com/what_the_bleep_do_we_know.php
This morning as Lady and I were on our way out for our walk...The ibo arrived! Doc and I celebrated. It's pretty crazy; how if one little thing works out, it has the power to wipe clear all of the problems you've staked up against yourself.
2. Shrine
3. Antigua
4. Antigua
5. Doc in Antigua
Monday morning-Connie's a no show, which means she's too drunk to get herself here. Marta and doc are pretty pissed and I cant stop thinking about Michella, what does she do all day when Connie is like this? She didn't show up today either.
We went to visit Mynor at Nueva Luz- zona 4 today to see how he's feeling and sneak him in some contraband cookies and juice, I thought it'd be necessary to break the monotony of cow spleen and lung 3x a day. Also the doc wanted to go to the house stocked with pills and creams to provide whatever medical treatment we could.
We walked in and the patients yelled "Hola doctora!" as soon as they saw us, they jumped out of their chairs to greet us with hugs, hand shakes and kisses. It was mayhem for the first 5 minutes, everyone wanted our attention-with every greeting we got a rundown on what was infected or aching that week. My very young admirer, Julio, lit up when he saw us and spoke his best English to let me know he was so happy we came. He didn't leave my side for the rest of the time, making sure everyone kept their distance. So cute.
We interrupted their dinner of sopa del dinosaurio or dinosaur soup-which I learned today is made out of the things the local butcher was going to throw away that day, mixed into a soup. Kind of like animal remains surprise. Yum. The smell was worse than the thought of it.
We finally found Mynor, who I didn't recognize at all. He was so puffy that he looked like a completely different person and seemed delirious. He's at the peak of the detox process, so I'm sure he felt 100 x worse than he looked. He started crying as he hugged us. I cant believe a little over a week ago he was our guide to these houses that we spent all day talking and laughing with.
The detox process at the Nueva Luz houses are pretty simple; Because you obviously cant quit alcohol cold turkey without the chance of death, they give the patients rubbing alcohol in decreasing quantities. So day one you get a pint glass of rubbing alcohol, which makes you vomit profusely because of the nausea inducing agent that is put in rubbing alcohol to dissuade people from drinking it, however your withdrawal symptoms are soothed since the alcohol is in your system. And so this goes until you are weaned off. Awful. So when I hugged Mynor the smell of him gave me the chills you get when you smell vodka the morning of a hang over.
We spent the rest of the time trying to diagnose ailments and handing out pills relieving pain, high blood pressure, heartburn and different creams for psoriasis, rashes and infected cuts. This time there were 4 guys crammed into the tiny jail cell (which I learned is punishment for the people in the worst of the detox process that act out).
One of the men that helps run the house asked Dr. Lopez if I would counsel him in dealing with the murder of his daughter. Dr. Lopez gave him his card and told him to make an appointment with us and Dr. Fitzsimmons would be happy to. Of course he didn't ask or let me know until we got home.
Once we got back and he informed me and I thought he was joking. I said, "Right, but really you'll do the counseling and I'll interject a few things here and there" He said casually "No, I wont be there." I stopped him "Wait wait wait, he doesn't even speak English, how am I supposed to communicate with him?" he laughed and said "Not my problem. My dear jyou need to learn to speak without de words".
Now I am aware of how lucky I am to be getting intense on the job training but my patients was wearing very thin yesterday, I'd really like to blame it on the moon. Volunteering me for grief counseling, which I don't know the first thing about, was the last straw. Maybe it's all the small things that add up when you spend an inordinate amount of time with one person, but I couldn't stop grinding my teeth out of frustration with him.
To begin with it's the arrogance of being my instructor that he harbors, blindly throwing me into situations that I don't have the knowledge or language skills to handle. It's what makes him a great teacher and a big pain in my ass. Then its the fact that we cant do the most simple things without it engulfing the rest of our day, which throws away the schedule I make for us of things we need to get done. Always on a quick errand we run into someone he knows with a sick family member, and there we sit for an hour as they tell their story-then it's "oops the post office just closed" so there goes our day. I've learned to add an hour or 3 onto every time estimate he gives. But then again I know that its another attribute that makes him a great doctor, his desire to help everyone and give everyone his full attention all the time. Then the chain smoking...ok now I'm just bitching.
I think what's getting to me the most is that I have no way to be independent here. There's no public transportation safe enough for me to take on my own, there's nowhere close enough to walk to besides the little park, and I cant shop for my own food so I eat what the fam eats, I actually cant even serve myself because Marta serves us and that's just how it is. It's all little things, I just need to adjust to doing things with the clan.
For the first time we got into somewhat of an argument. When he told me about the patient I would counsel I told him I felt like I'd be cheating the patient because he wouldn't walk away with anything useful because I'm NOT a certified counselor OR a Doctor-even though we've said it so many times that we may begin to believe it. I got worked up and told him I didn't think it was fair to introduce me as a Dr.- to me or the people that I meet, because they are looking to me for legit answers and I feel like I'll be letting their hopes down with laymen advise that they could get from anyone.
Once I was done ranting he of course responded to me with a story; When Mother Teresa first went to Haiti she met a a man that asked her to help save a woman dying of leprosy. She told him that she would do all that she had in her power. When she saw the woman, she was laying on the side of the street among litter, very close to death. Teresa sat very close to the woman. She took her hand and looked into her eyes and said "I love you." The woman responded "What?" Teresa repeated "I love you" "But How can you love me? My own family has abandoned me, how can you-a stranger, love me?" Teresa shrugged her shoulders and said "I love you, with every fiber of my soul and being." The woman smiled and died shortly after. Then the Dr. said "Did Mother Teresa have medical degree? Did she have protocol to follow in de death counseling?" ...Ok I got it.
He said "Chreestine, dthese patients see hope when dthey look at jyou. Just knowing that a Dr. from US care enough to spoke wit dthem is enough. There are 3 basic things that a good counselor can does: 1st Presence, being present when de patient is telling to you their problem. 2nd humanity, treating them wit human kindness and compassion and 3rd listening ability. Now a good counselor has at least 2 of these. jYou possess all 3 of dthese, I know just from de time I spend wit you telling to you my stories. I can now see that in our work we must next break these barriers you created, which tells jyou that jyou arent a dr. or a counselor or anything else we choose to be de next day. jYou must learn to believe dat jyou are whatever jyou decide to be."
And how do you respond to that? I didn't, just "You're right" then I went to my room.
I had 2 more movies that were "assigned" earlier in the day. La Vida Bella (Life is Beautiful) was the 1st, in Italian with subtitles. This movie was incredible and you need to rent it, that's all I can say. Some how it fit in perfectly with the theme of the earlier discussion. How does he do that?
Next was What the bleep do we know? "A mind-jarring blend of Quantum Physics, spirituality, neurology and evolutionary thought." Seriously. This documentary changed how I thought for a full day after I saw it. Watch it for free here: http://moviesfoundonline.com/what_the_bleep_do_we_know.php
This morning as Lady and I were on our way out for our walk...The ibo arrived! Doc and I celebrated. It's pretty crazy; how if one little thing works out, it has the power to wipe clear all of the problems you've staked up against yourself.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Do I owe you something for this?
This evening we had a patient to the house. Earlier doc informed me that I would be putting into practice all the things I learned a few days ago. I felt resistance make waves in my stomach, but nodded and said ¨Deal, but I´m telling you I think it´d be a severe misjudgment if you have me draw a blood sample today¨ He laughed and agreed with me, thank God.
It was Mynor´s 63 yr old father, Reftaly. He´s suffering from cirrhosis of the liver due to 41 yrs of alcoholism and on top of that diabetes. He came today because he´s experiencing severe pain due to liquid that is collecting in his abdomen. He´s come to Doc and I for a prescription to relieve the pain. He´s a very faint, tiny man who´s voice is a mere whisper reminiscent of the Godfather, however his liver and stomach are so swollen with liquid its the largest part of him.
He arrived with an entourage; His wife, middle aged daughter and 2 grandchildren about 16 and 11. They all walked him in doc´s office and waited until he was finished. I cant help but laugh at the thought of the entire family gathering to accompany grandpa to a routine Dr appointment in America. It´s the perfect example of how much of a clan mentality they have with family here. It helps me understand why Doc is always talking about the loneliness he suffers. To be honest I thought he was being kind of a baby about it, a lot of people live by themselves, and anyway he has his Aunt, Santos and Martine. Now I understand that a typical Central American home is overflowing with family, children, noise and they do everything together.
The doc´s exams are painfully thorough. He pretty much had the patient and his wife tell his medical life story up until this point for the 1st 45 mins before even taking his blood pressure. I tried and tried over and over to focus and try to translate, but my mind kept running away thinking mostly about Heather.
Finally the exam began and Dr. Fitzsimmons measured his blood pressure. I wrapped the velcro around as tight as I could but it still hung loose on his tiny arm. All went well, except that I forgot to tighten the valve before I pumped the little air balloon. Once I realized my mistake and the old man giggled at me, I´m wondering does he think I´m nervous or just a shitty doctor? Dr. Fitzsimmons would like to justify her ignorance and explain that in the U.S. we have machines that do this for us now, only I couldn't begin to say that in Spanish and it´s bullshit anyway. Then I listen to his heartbeat with the stethoscope. The Doc has pointed out that his liver has swollen to reach all the way to his clavicle, he can tell by what he hears in the stethoscope-gruesome. Last I take his blood sugar level. The poor man is so weak and small that his hands are ice. I try to prick his finger 3 times to draw enough blood for the glucometer but there is so little blood circulation to his extremities that the doc has to assist me. Better luck next time Dr. Fitzsimmons, but at least she didn´t kill him, my expectations of the rookie Dr. weren´t very high for her first patient.
After another hour of explanation and medical dissertation in Espanol by Dr. Lopez, he finally gives him a prescription, the whole family hugs and kisses us and he´s off, entourage and all. Talk about 1st class treatment, I wasn't sure if that nearly 3 hour appointment was a medical exam, psychological evaluation or group therapy.
When they leave the doc turns to me and doubles over with laughter, he can hardly catch his breath to fill me in. When they were leaving the patient´s daughter, Mynor´s wife, took Dr. Lopez aside and asked ¨Do I owe you something for this?¨ asking as a polite gesture. Laughter burst out of him again ¨ No no no punta I´m fecking Santa Claus and I run a fecking red cross out of my house¨ We crack up and he keeps going ¨No no no this is just a little hobbie of mine, I enjoy it, really¨ ¨lets go out to dinner and on de way out ask de waitress, do I owe you something for this?¨ We cant stop laughing and the variations of ¨do I owe you something for this¨ go on for the rest of the night.
That night Marta, Lady and I went for a late night drive to see the tree lighting and Christmas decorations around Zona 10. She is such a sweet woman, neurotic and a little ¨Fecking crasy¨ (as the doc put it) yes, but so sweet. I think she´s trying to sell me the city, she keeps asking if I´d consider moving here. I joke that would just for Lady, as I twirl her blond curls while she sits on my lap and looks up at me with her full moon eyes.
It was Mynor´s 63 yr old father, Reftaly. He´s suffering from cirrhosis of the liver due to 41 yrs of alcoholism and on top of that diabetes. He came today because he´s experiencing severe pain due to liquid that is collecting in his abdomen. He´s come to Doc and I for a prescription to relieve the pain. He´s a very faint, tiny man who´s voice is a mere whisper reminiscent of the Godfather, however his liver and stomach are so swollen with liquid its the largest part of him.
He arrived with an entourage; His wife, middle aged daughter and 2 grandchildren about 16 and 11. They all walked him in doc´s office and waited until he was finished. I cant help but laugh at the thought of the entire family gathering to accompany grandpa to a routine Dr appointment in America. It´s the perfect example of how much of a clan mentality they have with family here. It helps me understand why Doc is always talking about the loneliness he suffers. To be honest I thought he was being kind of a baby about it, a lot of people live by themselves, and anyway he has his Aunt, Santos and Martine. Now I understand that a typical Central American home is overflowing with family, children, noise and they do everything together.
The doc´s exams are painfully thorough. He pretty much had the patient and his wife tell his medical life story up until this point for the 1st 45 mins before even taking his blood pressure. I tried and tried over and over to focus and try to translate, but my mind kept running away thinking mostly about Heather.
Finally the exam began and Dr. Fitzsimmons measured his blood pressure. I wrapped the velcro around as tight as I could but it still hung loose on his tiny arm. All went well, except that I forgot to tighten the valve before I pumped the little air balloon. Once I realized my mistake and the old man giggled at me, I´m wondering does he think I´m nervous or just a shitty doctor? Dr. Fitzsimmons would like to justify her ignorance and explain that in the U.S. we have machines that do this for us now, only I couldn't begin to say that in Spanish and it´s bullshit anyway. Then I listen to his heartbeat with the stethoscope. The Doc has pointed out that his liver has swollen to reach all the way to his clavicle, he can tell by what he hears in the stethoscope-gruesome. Last I take his blood sugar level. The poor man is so weak and small that his hands are ice. I try to prick his finger 3 times to draw enough blood for the glucometer but there is so little blood circulation to his extremities that the doc has to assist me. Better luck next time Dr. Fitzsimmons, but at least she didn´t kill him, my expectations of the rookie Dr. weren´t very high for her first patient.
After another hour of explanation and medical dissertation in Espanol by Dr. Lopez, he finally gives him a prescription, the whole family hugs and kisses us and he´s off, entourage and all. Talk about 1st class treatment, I wasn't sure if that nearly 3 hour appointment was a medical exam, psychological evaluation or group therapy.
When they leave the doc turns to me and doubles over with laughter, he can hardly catch his breath to fill me in. When they were leaving the patient´s daughter, Mynor´s wife, took Dr. Lopez aside and asked ¨Do I owe you something for this?¨ asking as a polite gesture. Laughter burst out of him again ¨ No no no punta I´m fecking Santa Claus and I run a fecking red cross out of my house¨ We crack up and he keeps going ¨No no no this is just a little hobbie of mine, I enjoy it, really¨ ¨lets go out to dinner and on de way out ask de waitress, do I owe you something for this?¨ We cant stop laughing and the variations of ¨do I owe you something for this¨ go on for the rest of the night.
That night Marta, Lady and I went for a late night drive to see the tree lighting and Christmas decorations around Zona 10. She is such a sweet woman, neurotic and a little ¨Fecking crasy¨ (as the doc put it) yes, but so sweet. I think she´s trying to sell me the city, she keeps asking if I´d consider moving here. I joke that would just for Lady, as I twirl her blond curls while she sits on my lap and looks up at me with her full moon eyes.
Friday, November 14, 2008
No ibo, no worries
This morning I sat across from the doc with his usual black coffee and cigarette and ate my breakfast in silence. For his mouth not to be rattling off with another zen inspired lesson at the slightest beat of silence, is a problem. I looked at him for a moment, he knew he had to speak. "Mynor, jyou remember Mynor, our guide for de Nueva Luz houses" I nodded. "He iz now there. He has a relapses." My eyes widened and I shook my head "jYes, he iz now at de first that we saw, zona 5". I didnt say anything. Mynor- who sat with us during the interview and was an example of renewed sobriety to the patients, who I lamented with about the deplorable conditions, now a patient there. Finally the doc spoke "I cants stop but tink what iz so differents between he and me? We both have sobriety for very long and both trys to help de people in dat situations, so why him and not me? Wh.-" I cut him off "Because I'm here, and that would never happen with me here." He smiled, sort of brushed it off and said "Well thank jyou doctor." as he got up to go lay down in his room.
I didn't move for a moment. Then went to my room and began to write. 10 minutes later he came in with a smile and told me that Connie needed my bedsheets to wash, but no doubt came in only to counter his earlier attitude. "Give her jyour clothes and bed sheits" Then he pulled out his 45 mm and scratched his beard with it, squinted his eyes like Deniro and said "She doez what I sayz or she gits it" I crack up and got up to do so, once I can control my laughter.
I'm beginning to think the only reason he has that gun is to assist him in his jokes. In that regard it never fails him, its always hilarious. Actually the first week I was here he took precautions to make sure I never saw it, and assured me it was never loaded unless we went out. I'm sure he thought it would scare me. It's not uncommon to carry a gun here, this city is rough and the cops are corrupt. He told me he's never used it and hopes he never has to but especially with la gringa here, he carries it for defence. But of course he explained that in a round about way with another zen story about a young monk and his master. I'm sure he would kill me if he knew I was writing this, he told me not to advertise it to my family because he is aware of the American views on gun control, however we're are much more protected than Guatemalans. After much pestering on my part, he took it out yesterday, showed me all the functions and promised we'd go shooting eventually.
We took a trip to Antigua later that day. Doc wanted to get out of the city for a while and I wanted to finally do some sight-seeing. Antigua is the biggest tourist destination in Guat, it's also got a growing community of ex-patriot gringo hippies. I completely understand why. It's breath taking.
The small town is nestled in a valley among 3 volcanoes that tower over it. What's most striking about it though is the architecture. Almost all of the buildings and cobble stone streets date back to the early 1800s. There are 4 colossal, ornate, Spanish cathedrals and monasteries, most of them have been partially destroyed by volcano eruptions along with everything else in the town, some of them were repaired and still hold mass, the others remain beautiful ruins. Stunning glass and iron lamps drape down from every adobe roof and corner. From the furthest corners of the town I could still hear the Latin band playing from the courtyard park in the heart of Antigua.
We walked around for a long while taking it in, me snapping pictures with every 5 steps we took. We toured the ruins of one of the monasteries, walked in and out of little artisan shops. We had dinner on the sidewalk from these 2 women dressed in the traditional Mayan skirts and huipils (which are these hand croucheted very detailed peasant tops that drape over your body..I want one). They were making fresh tortillas on a little gas grill. We had these amazing tortas, (wish I could remember the names of everything) and these 1 inch thick doughy tortillas with cheese in the middle and piled on top guacamole, salsa, onion and cheese crumble.....soooo good and soooo high in cholesterol mmmmm. Then to drink was this thick, soupy, warm, sweet corn elixer, it's hard to explain, its like corn ground with sugar, peppermint and some other amazing spices, whatever it was it's definitely the best thing I've tasted in Guat thus far. We sat and talked with the women for a while-well, more so the doc, I really just listened, smiled and interjected "Si" every so often. We ate about 6 tortas and had 4 of those corn drinks and it came to about 31 quetzales which equals 4 US dollars!!! Needless to say I was enamored with Antigua and definitely need to go back for more than just an afternoon trip.
Still no ibogaine delivery. Again I'm writting in the tiny garden near the front door, awaiting a knock. I seem to be the only one so concerned with this. I just want to get started or at least know how things will go this week. Very American of me-longing for a schedule and to do list. I should try to enjoy the calm I have before the storm, as Libby tells me.
Today I found out a very dear friend of a friend had died after a long cancer battle that stole the bulk of her early twenties. All day my thoughts and blessings have been with Heather Weeks, her friends and family. I never had the privilege to get to know her, but I do know she was a truly beautiful person and performer that fought like hell. As I told Libby, it can be so hard to wrap your mind around the cruelty of nature, there is no justification in any of it. How lucky we are to wake up healthy everyday with the chance to persue and accomplish what we want out of life yet how unfair that she lost that chance.
Bless you Heather.
I didn't move for a moment. Then went to my room and began to write. 10 minutes later he came in with a smile and told me that Connie needed my bedsheets to wash, but no doubt came in only to counter his earlier attitude. "Give her jyour clothes and bed sheits" Then he pulled out his 45 mm and scratched his beard with it, squinted his eyes like Deniro and said "She doez what I sayz or she gits it" I crack up and got up to do so, once I can control my laughter.
I'm beginning to think the only reason he has that gun is to assist him in his jokes. In that regard it never fails him, its always hilarious. Actually the first week I was here he took precautions to make sure I never saw it, and assured me it was never loaded unless we went out. I'm sure he thought it would scare me. It's not uncommon to carry a gun here, this city is rough and the cops are corrupt. He told me he's never used it and hopes he never has to but especially with la gringa here, he carries it for defence. But of course he explained that in a round about way with another zen story about a young monk and his master. I'm sure he would kill me if he knew I was writing this, he told me not to advertise it to my family because he is aware of the American views on gun control, however we're are much more protected than Guatemalans. After much pestering on my part, he took it out yesterday, showed me all the functions and promised we'd go shooting eventually.
We took a trip to Antigua later that day. Doc wanted to get out of the city for a while and I wanted to finally do some sight-seeing. Antigua is the biggest tourist destination in Guat, it's also got a growing community of ex-patriot gringo hippies. I completely understand why. It's breath taking.
The small town is nestled in a valley among 3 volcanoes that tower over it. What's most striking about it though is the architecture. Almost all of the buildings and cobble stone streets date back to the early 1800s. There are 4 colossal, ornate, Spanish cathedrals and monasteries, most of them have been partially destroyed by volcano eruptions along with everything else in the town, some of them were repaired and still hold mass, the others remain beautiful ruins. Stunning glass and iron lamps drape down from every adobe roof and corner. From the furthest corners of the town I could still hear the Latin band playing from the courtyard park in the heart of Antigua.
We walked around for a long while taking it in, me snapping pictures with every 5 steps we took. We toured the ruins of one of the monasteries, walked in and out of little artisan shops. We had dinner on the sidewalk from these 2 women dressed in the traditional Mayan skirts and huipils (which are these hand croucheted very detailed peasant tops that drape over your body..I want one). They were making fresh tortillas on a little gas grill. We had these amazing tortas, (wish I could remember the names of everything) and these 1 inch thick doughy tortillas with cheese in the middle and piled on top guacamole, salsa, onion and cheese crumble.....soooo good and soooo high in cholesterol mmmmm. Then to drink was this thick, soupy, warm, sweet corn elixer, it's hard to explain, its like corn ground with sugar, peppermint and some other amazing spices, whatever it was it's definitely the best thing I've tasted in Guat thus far. We sat and talked with the women for a while-well, more so the doc, I really just listened, smiled and interjected "Si" every so often. We ate about 6 tortas and had 4 of those corn drinks and it came to about 31 quetzales which equals 4 US dollars!!! Needless to say I was enamored with Antigua and definitely need to go back for more than just an afternoon trip.
Still no ibogaine delivery. Again I'm writting in the tiny garden near the front door, awaiting a knock. I seem to be the only one so concerned with this. I just want to get started or at least know how things will go this week. Very American of me-longing for a schedule and to do list. I should try to enjoy the calm I have before the storm, as Libby tells me.
Today I found out a very dear friend of a friend had died after a long cancer battle that stole the bulk of her early twenties. All day my thoughts and blessings have been with Heather Weeks, her friends and family. I never had the privilege to get to know her, but I do know she was a truly beautiful person and performer that fought like hell. As I told Libby, it can be so hard to wrap your mind around the cruelty of nature, there is no justification in any of it. How lucky we are to wake up healthy everyday with the chance to persue and accomplish what we want out of life yet how unfair that she lost that chance.
Bless you Heather.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Waiting on the ibo spirit to knock on the door
1-The teenagers and other patients at Nuevo Luz- zona 5
2-Antialcoholico hospital/institution I visited in post #2
3-Same hospital with the head Dr. and nurse
4-plaques on the wall at AA
5-AA meeting, Lighting a cake to celebrate a member's 8 yrs of sobriety
I'm sitting next to the door on the computer awaiting our ibo delivery, it should be any time today...
Yesterday I woke up to the voice of a little girl. I could hear her chasing poor Lady around and screeching at her. When I got up to go to the kitchen I saw a small older woman that I figured out was the maid, Connie. Then a tan little face popped out from behind the door and a little girl about 5 or 6 ran up and wrapped her arms around my thighs and hugged me tight. I looked down surprised and said "Hola" she greeted me and asked about 5 questions (none of which I understood) without letting me out of her grasp. This is Connie's granddaughter, Michella Isabella.
Back when I first arrived the doc was apologizing for the mess at the house and explained to me that his maid has a very severe alcohol problem and she hadn't showed up for work in a week. He tries to offer her help but she wants none of it, she's still in denial. Michella's mom married another man and left her with Connie. Now doc is afraid Michella suffers from malnutrition because of Connie's negligence when she drinks.
This is her first day back in almost 2 weeks, I can tell he's relieved to have her back but is still pretty pissed about it.
From that moment on everywhere I went Michella was right behind me. She is surprisingly understanding that I cant speak her language and is very good at communicating with me in other ways. At lunch she told the doc that she's positive she can teach me and that she'll bring in some of her books that are dual language. Today we worked on "The Bad Wizard". She read to me in spanish and I read the english part to her. She is such a smart, confidant little girl. The nice thing is, she's the only one that will speak to me in spanish all the time even though she knows I don't know what she's saying, everyone else either tries to speak english to me or doesn't speak to me at all.
She's also the only that can understand my love for Lady, and doesn't think I'm weird for it. She comes along on our morning walks to the park now. She has a real fascination for my computer. I'm not sure if she's been on one before or not but she finds everything I show her endlessly interesting- she spent about 3 hours on Microsoft paint. I went though all my pictures with her and she still wanted to see more. Marta and doc think I'm nuts for letting her go near my computer, but she's so curious and I know she cant do too much harm. It's been kind of nice having a shadow, but it can get exhausting, she makes me aware of my age.
I finally started the free online spanish class (LiveMocha.com) I had been meaning to get to. Its an awesome site if you're trying to learn a language.
Yesterday we finally had a meeting about the logistics of the ibo house and sessions. Jeraldo came back to the house with doc. He helped doc get the house together and is going to be in charge of the finances of the clinic. Jeraldo is a sweet middle aged man, he speaks about as much english as I do spanish, so the meeting was difficult and longer than it needed to be because everything we said the doc had to translate to the other one...this is really getting old, I need to learn fast.
We covered a lot in the meeting though, which was great. I finally had some of the questions that have been floating in my head for the last 2 months answered. The name of the clinic & our association will be C.A.T.A.- Clinica Avenzada Para Tratomento de Adicciones, or in english; Advanced Center for Addiction Treatment. He has a logo in mind, a brain with an arrow pointing to a nautical star- The brain being redirected or having a new path. It's a cute idea but not very aesthetically pleasing, I'm going to help him tweak it.
Patients will stay in the house for a week, we'll do an intro dose on their 1st or 2nd day and then do the flood dose after a couple days. Then they'll be in out-patient care for another week, meaning if they are from Guatemala they can go home or to a nearby hotel but come to the center as much as they want to continue therapy sessions with doc, if they're from out of the country they'll stay in a hotel and come by the clinic for meals, therapy, talking, whatever. This seems pretty time consuming but doc insists it'll work out, he's used to being burnt out.
It looks like I'll be in charge of; nursing/screening the incoming patients, assisting him in administrating the ibo, night watching and cooking. Probably more when it comes up. I know it'll be a lot but I'm really excited to finally be an integral part of this process.
This is the first time I've been able to give knowledge back to the doc and it felt really good.
I tried to show them that if they want foreign patients, they'll need to look at this like a tourist- this is where I come in, because I am. So I suggested that when the website is designed (thankfully we have a designer, someone that bartered with him for med. treatment I'm sure) that we design a page that will explain the city, things to do around Guat, the weather, suggested hotels to stay at during out-patient recovery. This way we might be able to have the hotels pay us for advertising or work a deal with them that we get a percentage of every client we send them. They loved my ideas, Jeraldo kept calling me tesoro-a treasure.
Then we talked food-which is a bigger part of running a center than you'd imagine. People coming off of Ibo typically don't stop eating once their appetite returns. At the house in Mexico I would finish the dishes from the lunch and have to start dinner immediately. I remembered that Bobby (he runs the after care house in Mexico) knew a lot about what people need to eat after the treatment, so I emailed him today and he was extremely helpful. He let me know the foods contraindicated ibo which are those containing quinine; tonic water, Squirt soda, grapefruits. Papayas help metabolize medicine and aid the digestive system in restoration after treatment. Omega 3(fish) is very important and those coming off of opiates need a high fiber diet. I cant thank him enough.
Once we get the ibo (which should have come today) we'll do doc's treatment, then Jeraldo's, I don't think I'm up for another one. As soon as we finish with theirs and they get their strength back we'll get started on Josh. So if I'm feeling a little restless and bored at times, I just know what's on the horizon is going to put me though the wringer. I cant wait....
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Fishing for a vein
1-Nueva Luz- zona 42-Patients at Nueva Luz, zona 4 in front of the car
3-The entrance of Nueva Luz-Zona 5. Doc is the one in the jacket with the blue bible
4-Jail cell
5-My new boyfriend (The teenager that asked for my number) haha adorable
I realized this weekend that I'm bound to gain weight here, carbs in their many different forms (beans, rice, tortillas) are the only food group here. So I started every morning taking Lady for a run in the little park in the gated community we live in. It's a gorgeous jungle-like park cluttered with different tropical flowers and trees, it's also the only patch of natural life I've seen in Guat city. I cant really say I'm in love with this city. It does have a ruff around the edges charm but I'm really dying to see a body of water. Marta goes out of town from tue-fri for work so I get to be Lady's mommy for the week. While Marta and I took her to the park the other day she was telling me that Lady was originally the Dr.'s brother's, when he died 2 yrs ago Lady wailed day and night, her nipples grew and filled with milk. When they took her to the Vet they found out she had a hysterical pregnancy from greif- Crazy right?
The mosquitoes here are extraterrestrial. The stealthy bastards don't buzz at all and are half the size of a normal mosquito, so you cant hear or see them coming. Covering up doesn't help, they actually crawl under your sleeves or bite through your clothes. The bites hurt like a sting for a minute before they itch and swell up to the size of a quarter. I'll take the giant caramel colored roaches over those bastards..well I'm not completely sure about that. I had a beastly roach in my room last night actually. I opened my dresser drawer and I saw these 2 inch long feelers sticking out at me, I stayed surprisingly calm and by that I mean my bowels didn't loosen. I ran to get the doc to remove it. He picked it up and dangled it by its feelers and started laughing "dis is what jyou need me for?" he started walking toward me, that's when I lost composure and began squealing, hopping up and down and shaking my hands. He dangled it over his mouth and started lowering it, just to watch me squeal, when Marta heard this she ran in the room just to laugh at the gringa.
Dinner that night was liquefied black beans into a soup. By the time I leave here I'll be able to list off the many variations of black bean dishes like Bubba- Black beans and rice, refried black beans, black bean soup, black bean gumbo....
After we ate it was time to train for my new nursing position at the ibo clinic. I've been delaying this for days, but I guess if I'm going to play a Dr. I'll need something to back it up. First I learned how to measure blood pressure, without the machines we have in the US. It was surprisingly easy, so was testing the oxygen in the blood, not much to it. Then we took it up a level to blood sugar testing. You have to prick the finger and drip the blood on a reactive tab that gets read on a little machine. Doc was being a very good sport, even though I had to draw blood 3 times from his finger until I got it right. Then the needle came out, time to learn how to give an injection. We used vitamins and anesthetic to inject the doc and used the fattiest area so it would hurt the least-the superior external quadrant of the buttocks. The braver you are about it and quicker you stab the less it hurts the patient, I however was painfully slow because my hands were shaking.
Then the one I was dreading for days-taking a blood sample. This was by far the hardest out of the 5. He made me learn to tie the tourniquet correctly with a piece of elastic, if I'm in a situation where I don't have a proper tourniquet I'll need to know how to improvise. That alone took 30 mins, mostly because I dropped the elastic and it snapped him in the eye so we had to take 50 breaks because he couldn't stop laughing at his own smart ass comments that followed. The tricky thing is, you don't have much time once you tie the tourniquet because you can really cause circulation damage if you don't act quickly. After you clean the area you need to locate the vein, which is a nightmare. Once you think you've found the biggest, most lucrative vein you need to insert the needle a 1/2 inch below the spot and keep the syringe as steady as possible because it's terribly painful to have a needle fishing around in your vein. After 3 tries of tapping a vein and no blood coming out, with the doc's help I found it and filled the syringe with his blood. He's going to look like a heroin addict for a couple of days, but no real harm done.
I cannot believe I'm going to be trusted do this to incoming patients at the clinic, and on top of that they'll think I'm a Doctor. God forbid someone chokes, what the hell am I going to say?
The mosquitoes here are extraterrestrial. The stealthy bastards don't buzz at all and are half the size of a normal mosquito, so you cant hear or see them coming. Covering up doesn't help, they actually crawl under your sleeves or bite through your clothes. The bites hurt like a sting for a minute before they itch and swell up to the size of a quarter. I'll take the giant caramel colored roaches over those bastards..well I'm not completely sure about that. I had a beastly roach in my room last night actually. I opened my dresser drawer and I saw these 2 inch long feelers sticking out at me, I stayed surprisingly calm and by that I mean my bowels didn't loosen. I ran to get the doc to remove it. He picked it up and dangled it by its feelers and started laughing "dis is what jyou need me for?" he started walking toward me, that's when I lost composure and began squealing, hopping up and down and shaking my hands. He dangled it over his mouth and started lowering it, just to watch me squeal, when Marta heard this she ran in the room just to laugh at the gringa.
Dinner that night was liquefied black beans into a soup. By the time I leave here I'll be able to list off the many variations of black bean dishes like Bubba- Black beans and rice, refried black beans, black bean soup, black bean gumbo....
After we ate it was time to train for my new nursing position at the ibo clinic. I've been delaying this for days, but I guess if I'm going to play a Dr. I'll need something to back it up. First I learned how to measure blood pressure, without the machines we have in the US. It was surprisingly easy, so was testing the oxygen in the blood, not much to it. Then we took it up a level to blood sugar testing. You have to prick the finger and drip the blood on a reactive tab that gets read on a little machine. Doc was being a very good sport, even though I had to draw blood 3 times from his finger until I got it right. Then the needle came out, time to learn how to give an injection. We used vitamins and anesthetic to inject the doc and used the fattiest area so it would hurt the least-the superior external quadrant of the buttocks. The braver you are about it and quicker you stab the less it hurts the patient, I however was painfully slow because my hands were shaking.
Then the one I was dreading for days-taking a blood sample. This was by far the hardest out of the 5. He made me learn to tie the tourniquet correctly with a piece of elastic, if I'm in a situation where I don't have a proper tourniquet I'll need to know how to improvise. That alone took 30 mins, mostly because I dropped the elastic and it snapped him in the eye so we had to take 50 breaks because he couldn't stop laughing at his own smart ass comments that followed. The tricky thing is, you don't have much time once you tie the tourniquet because you can really cause circulation damage if you don't act quickly. After you clean the area you need to locate the vein, which is a nightmare. Once you think you've found the biggest, most lucrative vein you need to insert the needle a 1/2 inch below the spot and keep the syringe as steady as possible because it's terribly painful to have a needle fishing around in your vein. After 3 tries of tapping a vein and no blood coming out, with the doc's help I found it and filled the syringe with his blood. He's going to look like a heroin addict for a couple of days, but no real harm done.
I cannot believe I'm going to be trusted do this to incoming patients at the clinic, and on top of that they'll think I'm a Doctor. God forbid someone chokes, what the hell am I going to say?
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